Captain's Log: Entry 1

Editor's Note: Today's post has been provided by Jasper, the sometimes sour/sometimes sweet, cat that also lives in our house. He insisted. 

Captain's Log: Entry 1

Hello. This is the cat, contacting you for the first time from the inside. I have been held captive in this location for 284 days now, though I have been forced to share my living space with the female human for 803 days. The newer living arrangements are indeed an improvement-- there are more and larger windows for me to stalk the prey outside the home, there are more hiding spaces, and there is an intricate underground tunnel system that goes into each room of the house. The humans call this the "the furnace duct system." Though I generally find them quite stupid, their attempt at code to keep me from using the underground tunnel is cute. Stupid, but cute.

The male human, he is also new. I saw him once in a while around the smaller space the female and I once shared, but now I see him every day. Overall, he is extremely unfriendly, which makes it difficult to lure him in to any of my traps, particularly the ones in which I appear to open for and interested in being pet and then promptly attack any hand within a 5 foot radius. Since moving in, I have launched comprehensive psychological warfare against him. Successfully completed attacks include, but are not limited to: scratching the brand new rug he bought... every single day, sitting at the dinner table like a guest during meal time, and announcing my entry into or exit from every room with a loud, high pitch, tuneless cry. 

The female human is an excellent pawn, and it is perhaps the perceived friendship between the two of us that aids me most in my efforts to gain complete control over the goings-on of the dwelling. Through this strategic partnership, I have more than once seen their computer files by simply jumping into her lap and purring briefly. Really, they are so stupid.

Shortly after we overtook the larger dwelling, the humans allowed our quarters to be infiltrated by a rather large critter. Though they continue to call it "dog," I am sure I have seen pictures of this animal before-- long, sleek, tall and tan, runs fast. Yes, this is not a "dog," but rather a deer. Distant relatives of mine, like the puma, hunt critters like this all the time. I have committed to carrying on the legacy of my ancestors. The dog, who is also quite stupid, often leaves large comfortable beds unoccupied, which I have now added to my empire. Though he can run fast, he lacks any agility and is utterly useless when it comes to getting behind or under any of the furniture due to his rather obstructive size. I am always sure to get away from his half-hearted attempts at chasing me.

The humans are planning this event they call a "wedding." I do not understand much about it, other than I was not invited and will seek revenge on them for that when the time is least convenient. I gave them just a taste of what is to come when I chewed through the corner of approximately 20 invitations and then shredded a burlap bag the female was going to use for decorations. You see burlap bag turned table mat, I see thousands of tiny strings waiting to be unleashed. And then swallowed, resulting in a potential medical emergency which will require that they female fawn over me for days, telling me what a "poor kitty" I am. Really, they are so stupid.